Little life Update - The Truth is Hard to Bear

So I’ve made a lot of changes... I’ve reduced my exercise target for each day and am trying to build up my strength with larger meals. But I feel like things haven’t really been improving - while I know I need help, I’m struggling to allow myself to let go - the mental battle of guilt is still so overwhelming and while I haven’t been out running the roads I have been jogging on the spot and doing everything I can to get my step count up each day - being seen walking and looking around the kids sections of a clothes store today I felt embarrassed and judged and yet I feel guilty for eating and trying to help myself 😕

An appointment the other day has lead to some developments though - a friend came over to give advice on other matters and was worried about the state I’ve gotten myself into. As a medical professional she had to admit that as a patient she’d refer me to a gp - it’s so hard for me to see others so concerned and to hear things like that but I know inside myself it’s true and while it’s hard to bear my body is fragile at the moment 😞

I’ve taken a massive step in accepting her help, after phone call appointments today, I face a medical test tomorrow morning and am absolutely petrified- not only because it involves needles and blood tests but because of the stages that might come afterwards - not knowing where this will lead and how this might change things for me day to day. Will it involve councillors - something I really don’t want to get into after previous bad experience - or being taken somewhere to be looked after- I can’t bear the the thought but see these as possible realities for the future 😓

My mind is still fighting itself and it’s certainly taken over all that I think about and do 😞

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My experience of an eating disorder

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